To A Special Son That I Will Always Remember

This morning when I opened my eyes, my husband was holding me.  I was on my side and his arms were around me.  He was a hungry man.  He needed me sexually and wanted the comfort of who I am.  He reached down to my sexual part and separated my legs.  I greeted him with the woman that I am.  Spreading for him.  Showing the hunger of a woman willing to return the favor of love and happy that I had shaved last night.  He told me that I was a woman that needed her p***y eaten.  I would have given in to anything he asked.  I knew that the tragedy that we had been living had finally hit him with the fury of pain and passion and he now needed release.  I looked into his eyes and saw a man in deep pain and  I clung to him and gave him everything he asked.  He went down on me and pleasured me with his mouth as I sprayed my waters of love to him. I cried out as my passion released to comfort him. I answered all his needs and spread my legs to the sky for my lover.  I showed him all my sorrow with the movement of that part of me that speaks no words. That opening between my legs that talks the language of love that only he can understand.  I opened my mouth of love and he entered me and ate me out with the expertise of years of knowledge and the newness of our today. His fingers went up deep inside me and carressed my g-spot and made my love canal weep with all the joys of love.  Nibble my clit, my love, make me wild.  Flick it and suck it a bit until I cry out with both pleasure and hurt.  He made me a new woman as he does each time we mate, only this morning, it was different.  He thrilled me to my soul for we were making love for a man who was gone.  A man who had just passed from our life.  A man that neither of us talked about but was in our bed of love with us.  No words were necessary.  He was there.  He then asked me to turn over.  I knew this was what he wanted.  He wanted to go back in time to the animal pleasures of life.  He needed to cry out his love for me and fill me with his instinct of mating from centuries ago.  He needed to remind me of all the  pleasures of love that all women should remember.  For sexually, man is her master and in doggie sex this erotic control is what all women love.  We are the animal again.  We return to the cave.  It is our call back in time to long ago in mating.  I love this sexual act with all my heart and soul.  He fingered me deeply and looked  into me as my man would have done in pre-historic days. Others looking on but making me the animal that I am.  Deep inside  me he went and licked my c**t as he found the true woman inside this hungry female in his bed. I knelt on all fours and  moaned my love.  No words spoken for they were for a spirit that I felt deep inside and was giving to him as part of my ritual of love.  More fingering and the waters flowed and then he mounted me.  I answered each thrust with my tears inside me exploding and cried my love to my man.  I cried for the pleasure of this sexual thing he was doing to me  but more so I cried for a man that I had loved as my son and was gone.  I knew that my husband was acting this out and it was his time to release his hurt and he did.  I gave him all that he could ever want and then some. I love him so.  To my son that is gone and who I loved so dearly I write this.  Maybe the hardest words I have ever written and such dear words of love to him.  I don't know why I have to do this but I do.  So I am writing it to make me feel better.  Nobody has to read it, but I have to write it.  I guess it is just the part of me that has to come out.  It is part of my life and who I am and that is what a blog is.  The sharing of the joy and the sharing of the sadness in life.  This is the sorrow.  The very deepest kind of pain.

How do I write about sorrow?  I have only written about love.  Where do I find the words that I do not know?   I never knew that in my remaining years in life that I would be called upon to cry out my pain.  That I would have to endure the sorrow of the remaining loved one's of this person.  This person was not one of my blood children, but he was my child.  I loved him as if he was my flesh and blood.  They say that when death occurs it is so much easier for the person when they are taken suddenly for  they know no pain.  That it is the living that must suffer for this loss.  But I ask the heaven's above me why this loss?  Why this soul who tried so hard and left three babies who are of my blood without their Father and who will cry for him every day of their life?  Where is my God?   I have looked for you the last four days and cannot find you.  I have found myself doubting you over and over.  I am trying so hard to accept with my faith, but I just don't know if I can make it.  Who will comfort them in their years to come?  Who will walk my beautiful granddaughter down the aisle when she marries?  Who will take my grandson's behind the wheel when they are sixteen? Why was such a good person's life snuffed out just like that without any warning?   He was such a wonderful person and so desperately  loved and needed.  I have never hurt like this before in my life.  I wonder if this is a rehearsal for other pain in my life.

How can I help my babies. I am no comfort to these children for I am old and young people and children think of people my age as ancient, yet I am the most alive woman there is.  But in their eyes I am old.   If I could only stop crying and try to figure out why  someone so good, who tried so hard and never intentionally did anything wrong, would have this happen it would help.  I wish with all my heart that I would have had the chance to tell this  man so many thank you's in life. For all that has happened and all the hurt and hell I have gone through, I have no regrets. I would do it all again for you.  Despite my pain now and how it turned out, you were worth it.   Thank you my wonderful son for your seed of life that flows in my beloved grandchildren.  Thank you for the beautiful looks that they have and all the guidance that you gave them.  Thank you for joining a part of my blood with your blood to make a tree of life that will be strong  with your  heritage and mine.  Thank you for calling me one night and talking to me and making our relationship so special that the world will never know and is one of the most precious moments of my life with you.

My wonderful son as I sit here my tears are flowing down my face and I cannot see the  keyboard. They are for you, only for you.   I pray that you find some kind of peace in that place that you are now, wherever it is.  I pray that someday I will again be able to hold the result of your and  my daughter's love in my arms  and most of all  I thank you for their life............... Peace honey, peace but God, this is rough.  I love you.... Caroline