Dealing With My Own Self Doubt....

_{I wrote this two years ago...Have not touched it...It is who I was and probably still am...}

What really is happiness? To me it is a feeling of self worth. To feel that everything I have done today I have done to be a better me. To believe that I have somewhere along the line dug deep into my soul to try and find a part of me that needed nurturing and pull it out and help it be made whole. It is the feeling of wellness that we need to hug ourselves when we are in pain. The pain of not being loved by all and being discriminated against when the people have no right to do this. It is being able to hold and comfort myself by pretending I am able to put my arms around myself as I used to do as a child of years ago. I was a middle child and middle children so often have to learn to fend for themselves. That is the way it was for me. Believe me. Things could be rough. Back then I would tell myself it was OK as those people do not know what they are doing in being mean. I still do this to this minute. For people can be mean... It is sometimes like looking at a picture being drawn and try as I may I can't change the scene. So I must learn to accept that scene that had been drawn on the paper and move on to another easel of time to try and replace the hurt in that scene that was bothering me. I must learn to go forward for I must realize that even at this age in life that people are thoughtless. Maybe sometimes not meaning to do this and maybe sometimes doing exactly what they had planned to do. Through Dr. Patti I have learned that everyone will not like you. Some just dislike you from the start and nothing I can do is going to change this. So why waste the time trying to change them but go forward and learn.....

I have always had a big problem with rejection. This is perhaps because of a family problem of years ago but that is the past. But try as I may the hurt does not go away. It will hide it's face and I will pretend it is not there but I always know it is lurking in the background. It never goes away. With this will come a lack of self confidence and I fight this all the time. But I am putting up a real good fight and the battle will be won. Either that or both sides will be well scarred. So along the line I have learned to bandage up well.

Everyone has problems. Mine are so minor. Who cares if someone does not like me. They were not worth it to start. At my age to have what I have and been what I have been in life and loved like I have been loved is all any person can ask. I have been given the most wonderful man in life to love me and to this day he cherishes me as I cherish him. He has put me on a pedestal higher than the sky... But if I sit here saying that this hurt does not bother me I am lying. I hurt. I hurt because I try so darn hard sometimes and as my husband says, I cannot change the world. Why is it that someone can cause so much pain and deliberately know that they are doing it? What is inside of them that they want to make someone hurt? I just want to stay filled with love all my life. Never have it go away but get bigger and bigger and fill my heart. Why am I filled with so much love and they so much lack of love????

Today I spoke with my wonderful friend Dr. Patti Britton. This woman is wise beyond her years. She is not only a sexologist but my sex coach. She has changed my life. She knew that I was hurting and stopped the hurt and changed it all to love. She has made me accept me as a sexual person and be proud of what I am. With this is the acceptance of myself as a sexual person capable of loving ME plus believing that there is nothing wrong with being such a sexual woman. Never in my life could I have thought that such an emotional attachment could be found with someone helping you with such a delicate and personal thing as sex in your life.. I was so much in need with hurt and confusion and she stayed with me despite my outbursts and threatening to stop talking to her and running away. Only when I was running away from myself could I finally find myself and settle down for the long winter's nap that she and I have ahead of us. She knows me now. She and I have a special bond that is here for life..I am blessed knowing her...Thanks Dr. Patti... .

So each day now I deal with rejection and people not liking me. I try and ignore the dislike and think of them as non-existent forms of humanity. I cannot change their thinking of who and what I am........But what is more important..........Is that they cannot change me....Take Care, Caroline